Al Gore’s Beard

This is an absolute outrage. We would never dream of attempting to alter, in ANY way, the content of our own wikipedia entry. I mean, really. Poorest form.
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This sucks, no matter how opposed to the war I was in 2003 and no matter how much I have disapproved of it since then. Any of the anti-war crowd would do well to stfu with regard to I-told-you-so-ism.
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Hey Mr. Schumer, I swear we’re doing our best and denying our natural capitalist instincts and trying not to tighten the screws on these wage-earning saps so indebted they might as well start paying interest on oxygen, because I’m sure we offered them a mortgage for that, too.

Did I mention I rent?
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It’s difficult to tell if this is actual pro-war sentiment or rather a desire not to dishonor the mission and the comrades of his two dead sons. I don’t think I’ve read a sadder story about the war in a long time.

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I am not from San Francisco. I grew up in the suburbs and moved away from the Bay Area at 21. I am very much a tourist in the same city that served as the metropolitan anchor of my childhood. I do not know many bars, or many neighborhoods. Still, I know it well enough to find this rather hilarious. Enjoy.

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I will never intentionally commit a non-victimless crime. I am too beholden to the idea that karma may not be very consistent, and might even be wholly arbitrary. Thus, I am terrified that when I decided to really do that ONE singularly criminal act, something like this will happen. Or the proprietor will blow me away with a shot gun. Really, when you’re poor, its easier and much safer to write bad checks.
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I’m almost surprised when the revelation that people are dumb is treated as news. If you check the record, most of human existence has been spent operating under incorrect assumptions and behaving badly.
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I try not to overuse punctuation apart from  ;-)  or maybe  ;-P  if I’m feeling really sassy when composing emails. I feel punctuation in the email medium is simultaneously needy, breathy, escalatory, overly concerned, anal-retentive, and generally uncool. An opposing view is entertained in slate.
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I love the Japanese. I like their motorcycles, their guitars, their love of baseball, their food, all of it. And now this too.

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Oh, and there’s the whole British bailout in Iraq. That’s right…the lights are on, the bartender is no longer pouring drinks, and the cute girl you came is now nowhere to be found. Where’s your ride, America?

Not that we would stoop so low as to poison our eyes with their mainstream trash, but cnn.com has the Richard Jewell death as UBER BREAKING NEWS TOP STORY. Now, I was 18 years old when the Atlanta Olympics were bombed, and when Richard Jewell was initially (and incorrectly) suspected. So that may contribute to the story being downplayed in my brain. In fact, I couldn’t even remember who the actual guilty party was until I read Jewell’s obit. 

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I must confess significant disappointment about NASA finding apocryphal all tales of astronauts drunk at liftoff. Two phrases will now not enter heavy rotation in my speech patterns: 1) Astronaut Drunk and 2) Bottle to Throttle. Tragic, really.
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Speaking of tragedies…

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To paraphrase the late, fabulous Dr. Hunter Thompson, a shark mentality permeates the GOP: eat the wounded.

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Good news for healthy healthy Americans. More lethal vegetables. Yay.
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I would caution both pro-surge and anti-war camps to avoid the temptation of conveniently concluding anything from Al Sadr’s ceasefire. I have no idea what it means, really. I bet it’s not smoking gun-level evidence that the surge is working. And, I’d also bet it will be rammed down our throats as such. Remember, the situation in Iraq is vastly more complex than anyone short of an historian or high-level military officer can define. This very clearly exceeds the ability of the news media (present company included). Furthermore, high-level military people will be the last to appropriately appraise any circumstance if said appraisal would conflict with orders. Objectivity, a dubious concept to begin with, is in dreadfully short supply from those in a position to know what the f*ck is actually happening in Iraq. However, I think we can all agree that a ceasefire of any kind is, like, inherently cool.

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Can somebody explain to me what the f*ck about Leona Helmsley? Who was she? I’m assuming she wasn’t world’s first bitch, right? And who gives a sh*t about her dog? Was she the first to will her pet significant cash? The rich are different from you and I. I’m not entirely surprised by anything rich people do. So what’s with Helmsley? Is it generational? Am I missing something? Why is this a story? Am I exceeding my allotment of question marks in a single story?
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Mexican trucks on U.S. highways? What next, gay Senators? Drunk astronauts? Won’t someone think of the children?

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The lovely Rebecca Traister at the resplendent Broadsheet breaks down the extensive reaction to the Miss Teen South Carolina video which a) we had here yesterday (ahem) and b) has ricocheted off every possible corner off the internet and was in fact the story to which Jim Rome devoted, mostly for purposes of mocking, the vast majority of his first hour today. An excerpt (thanks, Broadsheet):

Maybe we’re not laughing because she’s a pretty girl; maybe we’re laughing because she chose to go on national television, where she wanted to win a contest that included a question-and-answer session, and then made a total ass of herself in that question-and-answer session. And while we’re on the subject of the pageant, why are we snorting at a stupid answer when we don’t bat an eye at the fact that Upton and her pageant sisters are smearing Vaseline on their teeth and parading around in bathing suits and evening gowns, hoping to be judged superior to one another and deemed emblematic of young American womanhood? Where, exactly, does Upton’s (and our own) humiliation begin? Perhaps not with a geography question.

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Sometimes, it’s nice when my (somewhat unserious) west coast superiority complex is shown to be not wholly arbitrary. The ironic take would be to point out that although I am from San Jose, it was clearly written in the stars for me to leave because I am nowhere near the median salary requirements.
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This would suck.

Being the son of a broadcaster, I think, has helped me avoid the alleged number one fear in the United States, public speaking. However, this has perhaps made me rethink any inherent confidence I once possessed.
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There are levels of concern we all have about global warming. For example, the reported increase in rates of tropical rainfall is slightly esoteric to me. The idea that global warming and hurricane frequency are linked should alarm me. Should. Wake me when C02 levels influence earthquakes. However, this makes me want to slash tires and terrorize heavy industry post-haste.
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Lisa Nowak is pleading insanity. We should all pause right HERE, to let the torrent of unfunny “well, you gotta be a little bit crazy to fly in those things” remarks to pass through the lips of every anchorman everywhere. Granted, one must be somewhat cocksure to strap on a flying bomb and fly upside down at mach 25. Pleading legal insanity? That’s a little different. I now feel a bit ripped off. If the genuinely batsh*t crazy are getting to fly in space, why not drunks? Junkies? Blacks? Underachieving Angeleno songwriters? Someone owes me an explanation. 
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Castro’s not so dead as to let one more opportunity go by to rub it in our collective national face that we only elected Jimmy Carter once. Fortunately, I was not eligible to vote then. I do, however, blame my parents. 

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Kids, I want you listen and listen good. This is very important. Do NOT work hard. Do NOT follow your bliss. Do NOT develop your intellect, skill set, character, or any of that horsesh*t. DO identify the cultural and/or economic elites around you and make friends. Quickly.

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Dude, I’m so hella not gay. Except sometimes.

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I’m not prepared for Bo Diddly to die. I’m not prepared to live in a world without Bo Diddley. I’m just not. He’s heavy.
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Christopher Hitchens, breaking down, analyzing, slicing, dicing, deconstructionizing, obfuscifying, revolutionatin’, playa hatin’, and bisectulating Iraq.
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It’s disquieting to note that only legal nebulousness thwarts legalized misogyny, not the will of the fine people of Missouri. That’s “mizz-URR-uh”, by the way.
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The communal environs of the men’s room urinal trough are rapidly becoming extinct. I recall from my youth the troughs at Candlestick Park, the former home of the San Francisco Giants. After their move to the decidedly bourgeoisie AT&T Park, the troughs were no more. My relocation to Los Angeles kept the troughs in my life a while longer, as Dodger Stadium is roughly the same vintage as Candlestick (though a decidedly more beautiful venue). Alas, a press release today from the Dodgers confirms fans will no longer be able to Think Blue in shared, dick-in-the-wind bliss…

Presently the concession equipment emits a significant amount of heat into the work space.  By removing the concession equipment heat via the chilled water, the equipment will use less energy and lower the temperatures in the concession areas.   Additional environmental improvements include moving to waterless urinals, which will save up to 2.4 million gallons of water annually on the Field Level alone, and hand dryers. 

I guess nostalgia isn’t always green. Or modest. 

Alberto Gonzalez resigns as Attorney General. Will the flood of refugees fleeing the Bush Administration exceed the number fleeing Iraq? 

Several Democratic heavies are STILL making noise about Gonzalez’s decision to fire federal prosecutors for apparently dubious reasons last December. This is appropriate, because making noise was the only recourse congressional Dems had. Why? Because, unlike, say, the Vice Presidency, the Justice Department is the domain of the Executive Branch.

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The next time I need to betroth a toddler, I’m heading to the Natural State. But seriously, folks. Arkansas gets a bad rap. Those Nolan Richardson teams could really play defense. Woo, pig sooey.

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Home Depot is doing sit ups after living fat off the housing boom. Now, perhaps this is because I am not invested and am totally poor and do not own a home, but the fact that a) something called Home Depot Supply exists and b) this subsidiary is worth $8.5 billion AFTER an 18 percent reduction in asking price is astounding. Or maybe I am totally poor and do not own a home and am not invested because I’m totally ignorant of things like Home Depot Supply.

$8.5 Billion, dude. These people are sh*tting money.

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Somebody is going to desperate lengths to crack the secret of how to marginalize one’s presidential aspirations. It’s actually not nearly that complicated. All you have to do is tell the truth. Or be qualified.

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Phil Spector’s lawyer quits. Want to know something horrible? I don’t care if he killed that woman. He’s Phil F*cking Spector. I want him free and available to make one more great record, no matter how incredibly unlikely that is. It’s similar to how I felt about Kobe when he was accused of rape. I didn’t care if he did it or not, I just wanted to continue watching him play basketball. Is that so wrong? Is L.A. really that worse off minus one unrealized dreamer? This is not an endangered species.
In a related story, I have no soul.
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I have a right to know how much the people whose salaries I partially pay actually earn. Apparently, this was in doubt. Rad. I love this country, where your rights are guaranteed and inalienable if you pitch a big enough fit. Otherwise, grab your ankles while you read the lofty language of our founding documents.

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The vertical smile is still a powerful communication tool.
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Michael Vick spoke out today. Some think he would have been less vilified for killing a person rather than dogs. I’m inclined to believe them.

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Despite my fear of heights, I have no problem with powered flight. Un-powered flight? No thank you.

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One of the reasons I really don’t care about the exurban wildfires that rage throughout the west every summer is that all those people only live way the f*ck out there thanks to white flight, to which I am opposed.

You know where fire season isn’t a big problem? Inglewood.

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Being gay in Idaho is probably tough. Probably especially for a Republican Senator. You know, hypothetically.
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Not only does President Bush hate black people, he’s like totally lethal to motorcycle cops. This actually isn’t funny to me, because I ride motorcycles on occasion and that biker karma stuff is huge. I’m not messing with it at all. Uh-uh. No freaking way.
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This is gonna rule. Too bad it’s like an hour after last call. I hope I make it.

Is he dead? Castro esta muertado? I spoke to WIOD radio in Miami, the news entity that was reporting the rumor, not the actual event of the Cuban leader’s death, and so far…he’s not. This was a very 2007 story: My friend texted me “Fidel RIP”, which knocked my sox off as I was at work in a CBS Radio newsroom in Los Angeles and no one had heard any thing relating to his death. Then, I looked up the Perez Hilton story, and finally got on the phone with the above mentioned WIOD. But the idea that a casual text message was how KNX 1070 Newsradio learned of Castro’s (rumored) death was very funny to my inner new-media soul.  

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I think this is progress, but it’s also staggering how far it seems we have to go.

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This validates my theory that the GOP’s racism is finite, but its resentment of all things Clinton will burn for all ages. Which is interesting, because the Republicans got welfare reform and a very favorable answer to the military vs gays question thanks to ol’ slick willie. But whatever.
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I have no idea what to make of this. Can I indict the U.S.’s piss-poor health care system? Is it actually symbol of triumph that women are waiting until they are damn well ready to have kids and not a moment to soon, and therefore trending towards older age when they give birth? Is it because we’re fat?

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Damn it. I really like the shuttle program, even though it is totally complicated and was asked to be too many things to too many different bureaucracies when it was designed and never lived up to its purpose, which was to make routine manned space flight in Earth orbit. But it is still really cool and stuff and goes mach 25 and glides to a landing and I just like it, okay?
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I totally forgot about the eleventh commandment, “thou shalt be pedantic with regard to doctrine, especially when human suffering will result.”

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Good.