Al Gore’s Beard

What, you think I only do positive NASA stories? This sh*t is hard to pull off, amigos!

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At the risk of sounding patriotic and all America-proud, I hope word of this gets around. Too bad most voters wish we weren’t this generous. Oh well.

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I know it’s a cheap shot to try and paint Michael Mukasey as a pawn of the right and a morally ambiguous baffoon simply because he had enough integrity to answer in an honest manner yesterday about what legally constitutes torture. Still, how about we err on the side of caution when it comes to this torture stuff…is that too much to ask? It’s like those people who say global warming evidence is inconclusive…that’s fine, but shouldn’t we maybe just consume less just in case? Can’t we just call waterboarding “torture” just in case it happens to be? Am i crazy here?

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What’s ancient Hebrew for Thou Shalt Not Be an Assh*le?

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Sigh. No one of this much substance will ever be First Lady. And somehow we’re supposed to be okay with this. Thanks, Americans.

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Tom Petty is from Florida. But he left.

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According to estimates, 2.6 billion people around the world lack access to a hygienic toilet. Yeah. So go ahead, bitch about your boyfriend or your boss right now.

There is a reason I find the drug use, and the subsequent reaction to it, of presidential candidates compelling. And it’s not simply because it’s fun and funny to think of The Next President being as stupid and silly as you or I am when we’re stoned. No no. Good fun that is, but what’s of greater interest to me is how we place such importance on it. Barack Obama’s recent memoir is coming under scrutiny because he has allegedly been less than transparent with some potentially corroborating documents about his past.  Who Cares? 

If Obama wants to construct a more appealing and linear narrative about his growth from college stoner to the great kind-of-black hope, I have no problem with it. I of course understand that those who Knew Him Back When may, but that’s fine. They were there, and it’s their memories too that are being f*cked with by Obama’s rose-tinting. So that’s fun.

But you and I were not there, just like you weren’t there when I got completely wasted about 4 weeks into my Big Move to the Big City when I was 21, so you don’ t know how hot the girl was who took me back to her hotel room, and you don’t know how hamfisted the subsequent proceedings were. You are instead at the mercy of what I tell you. And, if you’re looking for a reason to feel good about making me president, don’t you want to be able to trust me to tell you something entertaining, inspirational, maybe even meaningful? I think you do, or at least I think you’d prefer it to a vulgar (in the literal sense) reconstruction of that and a thousand other drunk meaningless nights that have been had by me, you, our current president, Obama, and anyone else of any importance worth a damn. Wouldn’t you rather Obama construct some kind of traceable narrative that ultimately culminates in a reduction of dope, an increase in hard work and discipline, and then the Golden Career Path? Don’t you want the president spouting that so your kids will think it’s true? Yes you do.

Consider the alternative, if Obama, or Candidate X is honest. They articulate with brutal honesty their decadent ways that only evaporated when it stopped making them cool. Then they relied on their unearned gifts like intelligence, racial or gender appeal, and uber-personable oratory styles that translate well on TV, and happened to be at the right place at the right time, viola. Presidential material. You know I’m not wrong.

Therefore, I ask you…would you prefer the truth?

Do you think this hurts or helps recruiting? 

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I really really really try not to succomb to woe-is-us-ism, to not be tempted by the belief that things are going to hell “in a handbasket” as the younger generations come of age, etc. I think things are always pretty revolting to the formerly young, and things are always just about right to the currently young. So I challenge YOU not to feel like an old fogey and think about how it was back in your day when you read that 80 percent of NorCal teachers spend less than an hour per week on science. Rad.  

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Born in the U-S-A…Disregard the rule of law everyday…Born in the U-S-A…

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Anyone in media will not be appalled by this. They will instead be appalled that a so-called Director of Public Relations or Affairs or Media or Communications was so ham fisted in his manipulative attempts that are truly just par for the course.

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I’m not saying this isn’t a hugely interesting element to the 2008 presidential campaign, and refuse to condemn anyone of the public presses who isn’t absolutely ecstatic at the prospect of at least four more years of the Clintons in the White House. That said, how many different ways can one speculate about how Bill Clinton will handle his non-candidate status in this campaign? It’s already been a well-documented news story for like 7 months.

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Check out the 3rd comment. I never ever thought about being an organ donor before, but I may have to give up one of my senses of humor to this obviously deprived soul. If you can’t make fun of a white male brigadier general getting blown up in a war designed to be fought between brown people, what’s left?

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I’m gonna miss him.

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It might be counterintuitive, but sometimes we really appreciate a politician who lies well to us, and right on cue. 

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Shut the f*ck up. Just stop it.

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It’s big, it flies. It’s pretty awesome. You know it. Don’t act all aloof.

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Gosh. I guess it wasn’t all Tyronne WIllingham’s fault after all.

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Am I plugging myself too much this week? Sorry. It’s just that we look SO STRONG again this year.

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Apparently I’ve been plugging myself and doing only sports stories. Whoops. Hmm…how about this one.

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 I don’t understand journalism like this. Hillary could lose if….well, she could lose if a lot of things happen, plenty of which can’t be ruled out as impossible. For example, Hillary could lose if the fabric of the universe tears before next November. She could also lose if she beats Bill’s latest mistress within an inch of her life in a jealous rage. She could also lose if she develops a moderate cocaine habit and fails to keep it discreet. And so on. Is this news?

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